`~+Covet+ ~` (deadlypet) wrote in dollspace,
`~+Covet+ ~`

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this is my first post here, after belonging to the community for so long, and its high time i speak up.

my past and experience with abuse is as follows:

i was mistreated from an early age by my father, both physically and mentally and very much emotionally. at the age of 2 i was enrolled at a montessori preschool where the staff there was overworked and understaffed and overstressed and i was abused there as well, called names, slapped, locked in bathroom closets. it wasn't until a shrooms experience with my girlfriend at the time that i relived all of this, and finally got it out of my system and came to terms with it. the abuse by my father continued but after age 12 it was no longer physical as i was finally old enough to defend myself and at age 13 i got the authorities involved, who mandated family counseling and monthly check ins. my father made it seem like it was all my fault, and all my imagination, and something that was due to be being mentally ill.

but i am not mentally ill, though i suffer still to this day from post traumatic stress symdrome, repressed memories, self-blame, and i am afraid to be close to a man in an intimate situation.

the abuse continued and now my peers were abusing me, i was picked on, beaten, and cursed throughout my entire school experience. finally at age 16 i had had enough and started fighting back. i finally confronted all of the bullies at my school and started literally beating the crap out of them and for this i got expelled, and then went thru a rebellious period lasting about a year, and then at age 17 i was finally ready to finish school and get on with life. then started relationships, and every relationship i was in was abusive, i was raped, molested, harassed, and teased by boys and men, some of them as old as 45. no one listened. i had no proof. no one cared.

i carried this hurt into my twenties, and it affected my relationships, because it caused me issues with intimacy, and to be super sensitive to being hurt, or seeing my partner get a little angry at even the slightest thing, even if it wasn't at me. at age 19 i had an abortion because my boyfriend at the time was threatening to kill me and my child, and i couldnt' handle it. at age 20 i gave birth to a child i had conceived 6 months after the abortion, by a different guy, a close friend, and he turned against me too.

i had several healthy relationships after that, but because they were long distance and ultimately didn't work out because of the distance, they ended, and i couldn't handle the pain of abandonment, and that became another issue for me. i turned to drinking and taking consolement in friend sex, and this i ended at age 26. then i met a girl and fell in love with her, but my past with abuse had caused me to be very oversensitive and cry a lot and fear being hurt, and get overemotional at times when she would seem disappointed in me or angry with me for little things even, but because it ultimately helped to lead to us breaking up, it also helped me to heal from this pattern of how i have been,

and now i am completely changed, and away from that pattern, i can handle conflict now, i can stay calm, and i can keep my self esteem, and be diplomatic. i can stay positive and focus on the positive in things. i dont' overreact emotionally to things, and i'm no longer oversensitive. because of this i have gotten closer to my friends, i am still friends with this lovely woman though i fear i've blown it with the relationship, the friendship means a lot to me, and she has ultimately helped me out of the cycle of self abuse that i had landed myself in. and allowed me to let go of the past and how its hurt me, and the way i blamed myself for it. we helped each other a lot and still there for each other and thats important.

still though, on occasion i do get rather hard on myself when i blow it with someone or something and i blame myself too much. i am struggling with an opiate addiction and have started getting a little too obsessive about my weight because thats really the only thing i can totally control in life.

sorry this was so long. it was helpful though.
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