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[09 Jun 2004|05:59pm]
[ mood | :| ]

Would anyone like to maintain this community? I'm a horrible MOD, and would appriciate if someone else could actually put that rolse to use.

I'm really sorry for deserting and neglecting it for as long as I have; I hope someone else could do it justice.


websites? [04 Jun 2004|02:45am]

[ mood | cold ]

Does anyone know of a good website for recovering your sex life, making love, and NOT being afraid of your boyfriend/lover after rape (by another man, of course)?

Also, any websites to direct the man to so he can help you?

I already know of www.escapinghades.com, and it is truly fantastic, but just not enough....

2 shadows| dollied

[08 May 2004|01:39am]

Does anyone go through, like, phases of fear? Like, for awhile you'll be much better. Then, nothing will happen, but suddenly you're afraid of every man? WHY IS THIS? How can I make it stop? I just wanna be normal....
3 shadows| dollied

Incest Survivors Community. [19 Mar 2004|04:27pm]

Please use descretion and be polite in regards to the following lj community announcment, thesmilingmasks.

This is a community for those who have suffered from incest, sexual abuse at the hands of a family member, etc. I would like this to be a safe and comforting atmosphere in which we can try to help each other heal from our experiences and to deal with the difficulty of living in the same house as those who have hurt you. Please respect the privacy and safety of the members of the community.

P.S. It is currently up for debate within the community as to whether we will be accepting members who are not survivors of incest, but as of now, please do not attempt to apply unless you are.

[10 Feb 2004|07:35pm]
Isn't it odd how a man is more accepting of his partner being raped than of her being with another man willingly? As if trauma was preferable to consensual sex with *not him*?
2 shadows| dollied

[12 Dec 2003|05:57pm]

Does anyone still read/post here or is this a dead journal?
1 shadow| dollied

Arranged Marriages for Little Girls [30 Sep 2003|10:46pm]

[ mood | angry ]


A new version of Runaway Bride, the under 12 edition.
This is an interesting and very sad/horrible/angering story.

If you're afraid you may not be up for the content (most of which is not graphic), please do not read.



[20 Aug 2003|02:50am]
Hi, I'm Louise. I'm seventeen, and I've suffered mental and emotional abuse from the age of eleven upwards. I only joined tonight but I've seriously spent so long writing different things to post here, this is my last effort.

I live in the same house as where my abuse took place. Wherever I look I see a reminder of what happened, because over the years it happened nearly everywhere.

The thing is, I can't figure out how to block out/get over those memories. If I move out, I know I'll just be afraid to be alone and want to come back 'home'. But if I stay here, I'll cry myself to death.

People have told me 'create new memories in place of the old ones', but they always seem to catch up with me.

Does anyone have any tips?
1 shadow| dollied

[30 Jul 2003|10:31pm]

True to form
hands are worn
eyes see only ahead
Treason detected
Radar erected
Deciet in my thighs he spread.

[09 Jul 2003|12:46pm]

[ mood | awake ]

Healing is a basic word
7 letters used as a verb.
She is healing slowly.
Her bruises are fading nicely.

1 shadow| dollied

[20 Jun 2003|03:13pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

this is a post reflecting on past self abuse as a result of being abused as a child. this is a sensitive topic so only read if you're mind is open.
(read more...)

[03 Jun 2003|10:27pm]

[ mood | blah ]

Losing my patience
Scorned and beaten,
Pages burned from my history
Blank paper Offers
A new code.


[17 Apr 2003|10:00pm]

[ mood | mellow ]

Try as I may
I cannot think of him
A tiny shudder.

Try as I had
To fight
I could not utter.

Tried as I did
Protest and tell.

Tried to explain
To someone
The living hell.

Tried,no one
To help.

Tried, my tiny
With no air to breathe.

Tried, but wasn't
To leave.

Tried to grow
And I did.

Tried to fly
And I hid.

Tried to remain
And I have.

Tried to mend my
Whole, no longer


xposted to riot_grrls [14 Apr 2003|12:11pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

A good question to ask someone who is attacking you, who is abusing you, even in the midst of the horror, is this:

"What hurts you so much that you feel you have to hurt me to heal it?"

At the very least, do that much.

But, if you have the patience, you can then (assuming that effectively interrupted them) listen to whatever answer they may give (even if you deeply disagree with it), and say,

"I can understand how you could feel that way."

You see, whenever anyone is fighting you, they are also (consciously or unconsciously) fighting for your attention.

So if you give them attention, you might not get hurt.

Of course, a kick in the crotch can work well too, at least in the short-term. This is just another option - and one which may be more effective in the long-term.

Just a suggestion.


[11 Apr 2003|02:11pm]

Has anyone here ever had brief flashes of stockholm syndrome with the people who have abused them? In stockholm syndrome I mean sympathizing with the abuser and or justifying what they have done to you? I wrestle with this from time to time, and would like to hear from anyone who has experienced the same thing. Thnakfully this passes rather quickly for me, but I am wondering in my process of trying to forgive, that it is a natural thing?. any input would be welcomed.
4 shadows| dollied

[03 Apr 2003|11:03am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

this is my first post here, after belonging to the community for so long, and its high time i speak up.

my past and experience with abuse is as follows:

i was mistreated from an early age by my father, both physically and mentally and very much emotionally. at the age of 2 i was enrolled at a montessori preschool where the staff there was overworked and understaffed and overstressed and i was abused there as well, called names, slapped, locked in bathroom closets. it wasn't until a shrooms experience with my girlfriend at the time that i relived all of this, and finally got it out of my system and came to terms with it. the abuse by my father continued but after age 12 it was no longer physical as i was finally old enough to defend myself and at age 13 i got the authorities involved, who mandated family counseling and monthly check ins. my father made it seem like it was all my fault, and all my imagination, and something that was due to be being mentally ill.

but i am not mentally ill, though i suffer still to this day from post traumatic stress symdrome, repressed memories, self-blame, and i am afraid to be close to a man in an intimate situation.

the abuse continued and now my peers were abusing me, i was picked on, beaten, and cursed throughout my entire school experience. finally at age 16 i had had enough and started fighting back. i finally confronted all of the bullies at my school and started literally beating the crap out of them and for this i got expelled, and then went thru a rebellious period lasting about a year, and then at age 17 i was finally ready to finish school and get on with life. then started relationships, and every relationship i was in was abusive, i was raped, molested, harassed, and teased by boys and men, some of them as old as 45. no one listened. i had no proof. no one cared.

i carried this hurt into my twenties, and it affected my relationships, because it caused me issues with intimacy, and to be super sensitive to being hurt, or seeing my partner get a little angry at even the slightest thing, even if it wasn't at me. at age 19 i had an abortion because my boyfriend at the time was threatening to kill me and my child, and i couldnt' handle it. at age 20 i gave birth to a child i had conceived 6 months after the abortion, by a different guy, a close friend, and he turned against me too.

i had several healthy relationships after that, but because they were long distance and ultimately didn't work out because of the distance, they ended, and i couldn't handle the pain of abandonment, and that became another issue for me. i turned to drinking and taking consolement in friend sex, and this i ended at age 26. then i met a girl and fell in love with her, but my past with abuse had caused me to be very oversensitive and cry a lot and fear being hurt, and get overemotional at times when she would seem disappointed in me or angry with me for little things even, but because it ultimately helped to lead to us breaking up, it also helped me to heal from this pattern of how i have been,

and now i am completely changed, and away from that pattern, i can handle conflict now, i can stay calm, and i can keep my self esteem, and be diplomatic. i can stay positive and focus on the positive in things. i dont' overreact emotionally to things, and i'm no longer oversensitive. because of this i have gotten closer to my friends, i am still friends with this lovely woman though i fear i've blown it with the relationship, the friendship means a lot to me, and she has ultimately helped me out of the cycle of self abuse that i had landed myself in. and allowed me to let go of the past and how its hurt me, and the way i blamed myself for it. we helped each other a lot and still there for each other and thats important.

still though, on occasion i do get rather hard on myself when i blow it with someone or something and i blame myself too much. i am struggling with an opiate addiction and have started getting a little too obsessive about my weight because thats really the only thing i can totally control in life.

sorry this was so long. it was helpful though.

3 shadows| dollied

strange little girl [02 Apr 2003|04:42pm]
maybe she'll kiss me and tell me that i'm no longer broken by that average inarticulate man.
she'll shake that voodoo stick of hers and drive me crazy with her boogey-oogey-oogey smile...
I'd sell my soul for something as pure and true as my remembered obsession
she was so very....pure and dazzled me with her evil simplicity, tainted naturalness...
her skin as smooth as the silky wings of a butterfly
she be my vision in a white robe, with wrist-wounds unhealed
calm expression with focus away amongst her own heavens
her light body rising and falling so very slightly with each cool breath

[21 Mar 2003|05:17pm]

[ mood | angry ]

Broken dishes
Broken bitches,
Things go bump in the night.
Bumpety bump
another lump
another bruise.
Then kissed away
Nothing happened.
Was it only a moving violation?
You moving.
I, violated.

1 shadow| dollied

"Avalon." [21 Mar 2003|02:10pm]

[ mood | exanimate ]

standing near the epitome
and dancing on the ledge
knuckles raw, teeth stained
thin as porcelain

painting mirages of herstory
grass of long, long ago
remembering the light
which spoke in red

he killed a deer and
mounted his head
he used to mumble ..

[06 Mar 2003|09:53pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I've laid you to rest,
But unquiet
The memory-corpse
Has been restless
And chafed raw I brace myself
To stake you
Behead you
And burn your remains,
ROsemary in remembrance
Of so-long cruelty.

Some photostatic memory
Some molecule of kindness
Twenty years gone
Begs for a stay of execution
And this self-brought second-thought
Makes a fatal breach in my armor,
And you escape me
In my Hamlet moment
Of weakness and grief
For a phantom of love
So long gone
I could have been asleep, perchance a dream,
And still it is a point
That gores and transports poison
That shows, yes shameful
Shows my silver tarnished
My steel rusted
My honor murdered-

5 shadows| dollied

[01 Mar 2003|01:49am]

[ mood | lethargic ]

I am cautious even now,
Check behind the doors.
Dreading nightime, even now
Listen for you slithering on the floor
Do not rock the boat, keep your anger in check
Reaction fuels reaction
I can't afford to misstep.
Bumped and bloody
Torn and Rent,
I pray your ire has been spent.


"If we hold on together, our dreams will never die" [18 Feb 2003|04:31am]

[ mood | crushed ]

Anyone remember the cartoon "All Dogs Go To Heaven" and the character Anne-Marie or "Land Before Time" with the character Ducky? Rememember the little girl's voice? Well... she's silence. In 1988.. I just found out about her.. I decided to search engine her name Judith Barsi (Judith Eva Barsi) and... I can't stop crying.

This is what happens when child abuse is ignored.

This is why it's important to do something; no matter what.


It's important to remember that she could have been us... We could have been her. And she represents everyone. Like someone's poem in here.. we are all the same.

1 shadow| dollied

[11 Feb 2003|09:43pm]

[ mood | cold ]

34 year old grandmothers
Chapped lips
Dusky blondness
musky thighs
womanly beings
Dried like a husk.


[03 Feb 2003|12:46pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

I saw a disturbing BBC documentary on Worldlink TV this morning about Jehovah's Witnesses - specifically, how the elders of the church keep a file of over 20,000 suspected offenders which the police do not have access to. Think of the recent scandal w/the Catholic Church...the similaries make me shudder with revulsion. Two institutions whose dogma has led them to criminally neglect the welfare of thousands of children. Jehovah's Witnesses require two witnesses to a crime or a confession by church law - the problem with that is that very rarely are there any witnesses to child abuse, beyond the child. It sickens me. Except this documentary was made a few years ago, before the big blowout with the Catholics. And I had never even heard of it until now. Lord, but the vast majority of the American media is worthless.

xposted to riot_grrls

2 shadows| dollied

[22 Jan 2003|10:19pm]

[ mood | okay ]

Soothing solace of the snow,
may I lay down today?
For weariness blurs my sight.
Waxen wings and halos pray,
for the quiet of the night.
Innocents cry for what is lost,
beat their chest and mourn.
Perdition awaits the violators,
I shan't feed them with my scorn

1 shadow| dollied

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